As I walked along the trail, I came to the edge of a large clearing. The ground was covered with small broken bits of branches, rubble leftover from a fire. At first glance, the scene might have appeared empty and undesirable. But, as though anticipating this misperception, park management had left a large sign at the edge of the clearing.
"Healthy Forests Aren't Always Pretty," the sign said.
It referenced burn scars from forest fires and prescribed burns. These leave empty space where one might expect to see thick trees…but they also leave rich soil behind where new growth can take hold. The message implied that the passage of time changes the forest we love, and that sometimes this change is misconstrued as unhealthy. In reality, though, it is this very change that gives the forest a new chance to thrive.
I thought about this as I walked, this concept of health being misinterpreted if it doesn't look the way someone expects it to. I thought about how people might view this forest clearing and shake their heads sadly without realizing how essential this stretch of broken limbs is to the overall health of the forest. As I continued to walk, I came back into the canopy of branches. There, I found my eyes drawn to other things one might consider “not pretty,” but which are actually markers of good forest health. Large trees uprooted, their bark slowly breaking down and enriching the soil. Limbs twisted and gnarled, having adapted to whatever unexpected obstacle they encountered. And as I thought about forest health, I couldn't help but think about how this symbolized mental health, too.
Healthy people are not always happy, or peaceful, or clear-headed. They are not always hopeful, or comfortable, or whatever other simplistic image of health we might imagine. Healthy people break. Healthy people make mistakes. Healthy people may carry regrets or uncertainty. Healthy people feel ugliness - jealousy, resentment, anger.
Being emotionally healthy doesn't mean you don't hurt. It doesn't mean everything always makes sense, or that you know the right path to take through life's twists and turns. It doesn't mean you are free from ugly thoughts or feelings, or that you smile even when things are hard. To me, being healthy means allowing yourself space to feel that ugliness and forgiving yourself when it rears its head. It means not shying away from undesirable feelings, or pretending to always have it together. It means accepting that we are wholly, inescapably flawed, and loving yourself anyway. Finding beauty in yourself even when you are at your ugliest. Forgiving yourself for all those moments, and finding a way to balance all fo the complex pieces of being human.
The thing about that clearing in the forest is...it was beautiful. It wasn't the idyllic picture I imagined when I set out on the trail that morning. But in that clearing...I felt the sun shine on my face. The pieces of the trees that no longer stand were scattered across the ground in a complex pattern of broken bits of limb. Seeing this side of the forest helped me appreciate it more. This forest is an ever changing work in progress, and as this patch heals, another will need to be tended to. The forest wasn't perfect...but it was healthy. It was enough. It finally helped me understand that I am, too.