One evening, our class spent time at an observation tower on the edge of the forest. We were looking for hornbills, and were fortunate enough to catch glimpses of three of the four hornbill species in the area. The next day, we returned to the same site and, wrapped in our rain gear, continued on past the observation tower on our way into the jungle. At one point on our trek, we paused and looked back at the tower. Our instructor, the brilliant Jongdee, told us that the tower was like the past. When we were there, we couldn't see the spot where we now stood. But, being in the future, we can look back on the tower and see how far we'd come.
I reflected on her words, and thought about my infertility journey. In the midst of it, it seems impossible that we will ever come out on the other side. But, here I am, two and a half years later, and I can look back and see how far I've come. No, I am not where I wanted to be. On the other hand, I am at a place of peace and acceptance that I never could have envisioned a year ago.
It is hard to stay in the moment when you are dealing with infertility. Our minds are constantly pulled in other directions. What will happen in the future, we wonder? Is this happening because of decisions I made in the past? What could I have done differently? "What ifs" crowd our minds and make it difficult to focus on the present. On top of that, the present is painful. We long for something other than what we have right now.
Mindfulness meditation helps. I found that focusing on something neutral, like my breathing or the feeling of my feet on the ground as I walked, allowed me to be in the present moment and not get swept away by the fears in my mind. Even a few moments of peace a day make a huge difference when you are navigating the minefield of emotion that infertility brings. There have been times when I truly felt I would never be happy again. Learning how to focus on the present moment has helped me realize that there are glimpses of happiness and peace, and that I need to recognize them for what they are.
Infertility will always bring pain, and fear, and uncertainty. But it can be an empowering tool to take a moment and pause. Think about where you stand today, and look back at the beginning of your journey. How far have you come?