I sometimes wonder if I will forever associate my infertility journey with my Master's work...and I think the easy answer is, yes, I will. Marc and I started trying to conceive the very same week that I was accepted into the Advanced Inquiry Program through Project Dragonfly, which means every speed bump we have hit along the way has somehow coincided with a course or a project I've been working on toward my degree. I also feel like my progress through the program has closely mirrored the process I've gone through in terms of coming to accept our situation regarding infertility. I've learned so many lessons during classes that have applied on a personal level that I sometimes wonder if I even would have survived this journey, had it not been for AIP.
Well, today I graduated, and I couldn't help but reflect on how this step has also paralleled my infertility journey. At so many times throughout the past three years, I have been fraught with anger, with self-doubt, with fear. I have thought maybe it is time to give up. and I have thought how unfair it is that things are so difficult. But I have also persevered. I have worked hard to get to where I am today. I have networked with people who have been there before me, and I have listened carefully to the lessons they've shared with me.
Every day, I am learning something new about acceptance, about community, and about being at peace with who I am. And I'll be honest...some of those lessons are easier to accept than others. But today is a day of accomplishment and joy for me, and a day of moving forward. I don't fully know what is next, and to an extent, that scares me. The past 3 years have been full of projects, of deadlines, and of working toward goals. Now I am done with my degree, and I have put in an application for an egg donor. From this point on, it's not really up to me what happens next. That is both exciting and terrifying.
In short, I don't know what the future holds. Two years ago, that would have infuriated me. I wanted so badly to at least be able to plan for a future with or without children. Now, I just don't know. I might end up following through with egg donated in a few months, when the donor I've chosen is ready. I might decide that travel and adventure is what lies ahead for Marc and I. But, today I ended one journey that I am truly sad to be finished with, and I am embarking on something new. Without my experience in AIP, I'm not sure I would be quite as happy as I am saying that I don't know what that next step entails. But I have a better sense of who I am. So, regardless, I'll be better equipped for the journey.
