I always like to take a moment at the end of the year to reflect. My husband and I make our annual fondue dinner and talk about successes from the past year, challenges we've faced, and what we are hoping for in the next year. That moment of reflection has been very therapeutic for me over the years, and I have tried to sum up the previous year in a single word.
2017 was a year of healing. I started the year still raw and hurt from the losses and anger of the previous year. Over the past year, I have learned how to find joy in single moments, rather than dwelling on the pain of the past and the uncertainty of the future. It doesn't mean I am happy every moment. It certainly doesn't mean I am not still occasionally wracked with anger for things that have happened, or fear of what the future holds. But I have learned balance, and the power of accepting the current moment.
New Year's Eve will forever be tinged for me. We lost our baby on December 30, so memories of the New Year will always carry the memory of that pain. But this year, for the first time since our infertility struggles began, I am able to look back at the previous 12 months and actually feel a sense of accomplishment. I still do not have a baby; I still don't even have a sure path to follow, or a concrete idea of where we are even headed. But I look back at where I was a year ago, and I see hope. And, to me, that is as satisfying a success as I ever could have imagined.