I laughed recently during a visit to my infertility clinic. It was a new office, one I hadn't been to yet. As I stepped off the elevator, I was met with this site.
A never ending hallway that seemed to get longer with each step I took. I laughed, because it was such a perfect metaphor for infertility. You can see the end...but no matter how many steps you take, it always seems to get further and further away.
Here we are, so close to the end of our journey...and yet somehow facing the beginning. Each step forward has been accompanied by several steps back. There have been plenty of times (many of them recently) when I believed we would never make it to an actual transfer. Now that it is only a few days away, with no more checkpoints to pass or other obstacles blocking our way, it seems surreal. I've trained myself so well over the past four years to prepare for the worst that I forgot things can actually go right.
And yet, in so many ways, there will always be so far to go. There is no guarantee that our transfer will result in a pregnancy. If it does, there is no guarantee that I can carry that pregnancy to term. If I do, there is no guarantee we will bring home a healthy, happy child. If we do...
I could go on like that forever, and I am slowly learning and understanding what people have been telling me all along. Things can always go wrong in life. They can also go right. If we allow ourselves to worry about every little thing, to only consider the worst possible scenario, then we miss out on the celebrations and beautiful moments along the way. So, for now, I am trying to embrace our recent successes and accomplishments. I am allowing myself to feel excited about our transfer, even as I acknowledge the fear and the voice in my head saying, "Yes...but what if it doesn't work?" For now, that voice is quieter than I have let it be in the past.