One of the first things I learned about grief was the way it teaches us to hold contradicting feelings simultaneously. This was confusing at first, but I have slowly come to understand how feeling sad and happy at the same time is just the reality of my heart these days. My heart is full and empty at the same time. The presence of peace and comfort does not take the place of the anger and hollowness I feel; both are there, side by side.
As we celebrate Thanksgiving this year, the last first holiday without our son, this contradiction is on the forefront of my mind. Like many grievers, I have been dreading this holiday because of how many things I do not feel grateful for. There is, and always will be, an empty place at the table where our son should be sitting. It is hard to feel grateful when that fact is undeniably true.
Already today, I have found my mind and my emotions swinging back and forth between these two extremes. Anger and resentment and a sadness I cannot describe exists alongside a deep, profound gratitude for all we have lived through this past year. I will be crying one moment, deep gut wrenching sobs as I think about another set of traditions my beautiful son does not get to experience. My arms ache for him and the little boy he would be today. A minute later, I will feel overwhelmed with joy and love and happiness for the simple fact that our holiday traditions will always include him now. The presence of those positive thoughts does not eliminate the presence of the negative. Both are there, side by side. It is a hard thing to understand, and even harder to explain.
In many ways, this is why I am hesitant to share the holiday season with others. It is much more difficult to witness the low valleys of the heart, and tempting to encourage one to focus on the positive. I assure you, the positives are very much there, but they are not the only thing I feel. They are not the only thing I will focus on today. I have no tolerance for pretending, and pretending I am okay when I am not is not something I am willing to do. And yet...I also am okay. I am both. Many of us are, these days.
At our table, all emotions are welcome. Tears of sadness and frustration over the way this holiday feels so different than years past will not be met with thin smiles and, “Yes, but there is also so much to be grateful for.” Both are true. If you find yourself feeling conflicting emotions today, let both exist. Gratitude for all you have does not replace all you are living without.
It is incredible how simple acknowledgement can make the difference between an unpleasant gathering and a comforting one. Knowing that all of my feelings - even the ugly and difficult ones - are allowed makes it so much easier for me to send my energy to the positive ones. So, while gratitude is not the only thing I feel this year, there is still plenty I am grateful for.
I am grateful for the way Reed has helped me shift my perspective on what is truly important. Because of him, I am learning how to cherish little moments and not take anything for granted.
I am grateful for our place in this world, and the circumstances that have allowed us comfort and security in the middle of a pandemic.
I am grateful for the new friends we have made, people who do not only seek to understand our hearts, but who truly “get it,” because theirs are made of the same broken pieces. I am grateful for Jasper and his wonderful family. For all the brave loss mothers I know who have walked this road before me. They have validated every feeling, and helped me learn how to be a good mother to my sweet son. I am grateful for women like Chrissy Teigen and Meghan Markle, who continue to share their families’ stories and, in doing so, make it okay for me to share mine.
I am grateful for the people in our lives who still say Reed’s name, who help us honor and remember him. I am grateful for the people who have learned to include him and who welcome and witness our feelings without judgement or expectation.
I am grateful for Reed’s incredible father. That man loves his son more than I ever imagined, and he takes care of his memory so beautifully. He is stronger and braver than I ever knew, and more tender and vulnerable. He makes this long, terrifying road bearable, and I could not possibly give him enough credit for all the things he is.
Mostly, I am grateful for my son. I am grateful for his strength, and how he held on long enough for us to meet him and hold him and fall in love with him. I am grateful for all the beautiful things he teaches us, and the way he has brought so much love into our lives. I am grateful for things I do not have the words to describe, for the way he fills my heart and makes me so, so proud to be his mother. I am grateful for the way my heart still swells when I look at him, or when I remember the feeling of his little hand gripping mine. I am grateful, endlessly, that he found his way into our family and has made it more complete than it ever was without him. I am grateful for every memory we have, while also grieving the ones we never will.
I am grateful he is still here, in so many ways, even as I miss him fiercely.
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