I've been struggling with understanding what it means to be a mother when your child is gone. I know I will always be Reed's mother...but I'm not always sure quite how to be. Specifically, I am struggling with understanding how to take care of him, when I can't do that the way I planned or wanted. And yet...I still feel that he needs to be taken care of, nurtured and loved.
Marc said to me recently, "You are taking care of him by sharing him. By holding him in your heart, and by making sure he continues to be remembered and loved." So let me continue to share with you the beautiful life my sweet son managed to lead, and the lessons we have learned from him.
We recently had a Celebration of Life for Reed. For us, this was not simply a memorial, but an opportunity to share our son with those who loved him. It was beautiful and full of love, and I expected to feel sad afterwards. Instead, I just felt so incredibly proud of my son. You see, in his short life, Reed has managed to touch the hearts of so many. All morning, people were telling us how his story had moved them, how special he was, and how he had helped them realize or focus on the important things. I am proud of Reed for teaching those lessons to so many, and proud of him for managing to live a life full of purpose and meaning in four short days.
Below, you will find the lessons I shared at Reed's Celebration of Life. I revisit many of these every day, and frequently find new ones. When I am struggling to navigate our new reality, I often find myself strengthened when I want to collapse, because I know that's what my brave Reed would do. I remind myself to be hopeful when I feel the weight of despair creeping up, because that's what he taught me to do. So I share these lessons again here in the hopes that, through them, Reed’s legacy can continue to impact us all, helping us through our weakest moments, and reminding us what we know in our hearts to be true (even when it is difficult to remember).
The impact Reed has had – on us, since long before he was born, on those who loved him and hoped to love him, and on those who have heard his story- that impact has been enormous and has surprised us and humbled us. Reed has taught us more about ourselves and about how to live than we ever expected to learn.
Reed taught us about patience, long before he was born. It took almost five years for us to find Reed. During those five years, as Marc mentioned, there was a great deal of waiting, uncertainty, and unexpected obstacles. So in his own way, Reed showed us how to continue to find hope, even after we had been knocked down and set back over and over. He taught us that “family” can mean so many different things and can be found anywhere, and eventually helped us understand that some things are worth every second of waiting you have to live through before you find them.
The night he was born, Reed began to teach us how valuable every moment is, and how important it is to be present. We knew quickly how short and precious our time with him would be. We could have spent those days worrying and being afraid of the future. Instead, Reed showed us how to cherish the time we had and focus on the happiness and love that our little family of three had created. We learned, and are trying to remember every day, not to worry so much about what the future holds. Reed taught us to find joy in the little things, like a single one of his trademark hiccup breaths or the mess of his crazy black hair. He showed us how to appreciate the time we had, and he filled that time with a love and joy we never would have understood without him. We smiled with him, laughed with him, and showered him with love. Despite everything, those were some of the most beautiful days of our lives, because we got to share them with our sweet Reed.
Reed taught us about gratitude, and how it can be found even in the unlikeliest of moments. We have been grateful for so many things since his birth – for the many people who have surrounded us with love; for the doctors and nurses who cared for him so beautifully and sincerely in the hospital; for the compassion and love we have been offered over and over. Mostly, we are so incredibly grateful for the time we had with our son. We are grateful for the memories that have brought us such comfort, and for every single second we got to spend with him.
Reed taught us about strength. We know now how much Reed had to fight in order to let us meet him. How he could have stopped fighting once he was born. But he didn’t. He was strong, and braver than we were. He also taught us, and continues to teach us every day, how to be strong for each other. He shows us daily how to support one another, and helps us find strength within ourselves that we never knew we had.
Most importantly, Reed has taught us over and over again about love. He has shown us how powerful and deep love can be, and how suddenly it can fill your heart. He has helped us see that love creates beauty and light even when the sky is at its darkest. He shows us that love is stronger than our fears and our sadness. Every single day, he reminds us that love lasts forever and can cross any boundaries. Edgar Allen Poe once wrote, “I loved with a love that was more than love.” Reed taught us what that means. We love him with a love that is more than love, and we always will.
We expected to spend a lifetime teaching our son, showing him what strength looks like and the many forms love can take. Drying his tears, hearing his laughter, holding him close, and finding a way to sneak a life lesson into each mistake he - or we - made. Well, he never made a mistake (yes, our child really is perfect!). Instead, in four short days, he taught us more about how to live than we ever could have shown him. We are humbled and proud of our little boy, and we hope others are as inspired by Reed’s meaningful life as we have been.
We had so much we wanted to say to Reed, and were fortunate enough to be able to. We thanked him for being brave enough to let us meet him. We told him about all the people and our pets at home (also an important part of his family), who had been eagerly awaiting his arrival. We told him how incredibly loved he was by so many, how happy he had made us, and how we would always, always be with him, and he with us, no matter what. We have been so comforted in knowing that he carried those important words with him. While we never could have said everything we wanted to, we said what we could, when we could.
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