"Forever would never be long enough for me to feel like I've had long enough with you"
Music has anchored me during the last two months. It has given me words to express how I feel, and sometimes has gone deeper than words.
I hear songs all the time that make me think of Reed. Some are obvious. Eric Clapton wrote Tears in Heaven after his four year old son's tragic death. It's Quiet Uptown from the Hamilton soundtrack beautifully captures the feeling of aimless wandering that sets in after the unimaginable loss of a child. Even Ed Sheeran's Supermarket Flowers, written after the death of his mother, makes me smile and cry, evoking images of my own little angel.
Usually, though, lyrics reminding me of him come from songs like the one I started this post with - Marry Me, by Train. Songs whose titles may clearly not remind me of Reed. Songs not necessarily intended to capture the love of a parent and child. Songs probably written to honor a newfound love or to help someone work through a breakup.
But that's the beauty of love, after all. To paraphrase Lin-Manuel Miranda, "love is love is love is love is love." It doesn't matter what kind of love it is. How long you've felt it. How deep it goes. Whether or not you can even describe it. There are so many ways love can be different - the way I feel about Reed is different from how I feel about Marc, or my sister, or my parents, or my dearest friends. But...love is love is love is love is love, and in so many ways, all those different loves are also the same.
That is what I hear in all the songs that remind me of Reed. It is love. Sometimes it is a carefree, innocent love meant to point out how unique and special someone is. Sean Fournier's Another Like You, or Griffin House's Better Than Love. Sometimes it is full of longing and despair, the kind that represents a love you ache for but can never have again. Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson's haunting version of Winter Song. Often, it is an undefined affection, expressing how it feels to simply miss someone you love. Gotta Have You by the Weepies, or So Long Sunshine by Joshua Radin. I hear all these different kinds of love in the lyrics, in the swell of the music, and I am comforted.
Love is also the only thing helping us through the minefield of grief. It gets us from one day to the next. The love that has been showered on us from family in friends, in the form of cards and gifts and food, phone calls, hugs and patience. The love we have for each other, stronger now than it has ever been before. And, of course, the overwhelming love we feel, today and always, for our little boy.
It is the love Reed inspires which makes this horrible journey bearable. Through him, we have seen others focus on the love they have for their own families, something so often taken for granted. We have seen how loved he is, by people who never even got to meet him. His 6 year old cousin, who made Valentine cards for him at school, reminds us that Reed's family is so much larger than just the three of us, and that he will be loved by his family forever. And, above all else, we have seen how powerful and enduring our love for him is, every single day. My love for him surprised me and sustained me during our time in the hospital, and continues to help me find my way out of my darkest moments. It seems to grow stronger and more desperate with each passing day. That love, the love we have for Reed, is what makes losing him hurt so very much. But... it is also what makes it possible to survive.
"I will find you, I promise. I will make you believe that I'm in this crazy love for the long haul. So think of me; think of me." - Rosi Golan
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