Over the past year, I have gone to some breathtaking places. I have seen vistas that have left me laughing in awe and delight. I have been amazed to discover so many unbelievably exceptional places, and left speechless by just how special Colorado is. Until today, though, I had never been moved to tears simply by the beauty in front of me.
I hike each month to honor Reed, to remember him and spend time focused on him. In this way, he is helping me discover so many incredible places. Now that we are into our second year, I expect this tradition to adjust slightly. It might not always be on the tenth, but I have seen what a powerful way it is for me to connect with Reed, so I know it will remain a monthly tradition for now. I never know exactly where my hikes will take me. My only rule is that I go somewhere I have never been before. It is almost always more beautiful than I anticipate, but today was truly special.
Today, I set out intending to do a certain short loop, but as I walked I felt my heart lighten for the first time all week. It has been an unbelievably difficult week, so finding the sense of peace I often feel when I am hiking for Reed was particularly comforting. Instead of following the path I had intended, I approached each fork in the trail with an open mind and simply followed my gut. Eventually, I broke through the trees and found myself gazing out at the most remarkable vista - layers of mountain peaks with a gentle band of fog winding through them, and the sun shining on freshly fallen snow.
I stood in awe for a while. I admired the view, which was somehow crystal clear and misty at the same time, and I was surprised by the feeling that came over me. It is not one that I can really capture with words, just as the photos cannot accurately capture how enormous the expanse in front of me was, or how breathtaking. It was somehow an enormously complex feeling and yet also felt remarkably simple. I gazed out at the mountains and thought about how I had grown up only twenty minutes away, but this felt like a whole different world. It felt like this view was what I had been searching for on all these hikes - something unique and powerful and timed just right.
I had ended up looking out over this view by total chance. It wasn’t my original plan, it was just where my feet led me. And though I was the one who made each decision along that trail, I would not be there at all if it wasn’t for Reed. Every month, I feel a wave of gratitude and pride come over me as I discover another beautiful corner of our world, thanks to my son. This is what I felt on the trail today; I felt my heart refill with that intense, indescribable feeling of love all mothers carry for their children.
Feeling that intense wave of love wash over me once again was a huge relief. This is one of my great fears, you see. I worry that the depth of my feelings will slowly fade with time and I will forget what it felt like to be his mother. In any relationship, the intense feelings you feel at the beginning gradually become mellower over time. But a “normal” parent gets to feel their heart refill often. Children are unpredictable, often in delightful ways. Any number of daily surprises can knock a parent over as they smile with joy and think - This little person of mine is even more special than I realized!
Of course, Reed is not here in front of us, changing day by day and giving us opportunities to shake our heads in disbelief as we simply admire the person he has become. I have worried our hearts will not get the chance to replenish that overwhelming love we felt when we were with him, learning who he was. Today, as I stood looking out at the mountains...I didn’t fear anymore. I felt the well of love and pride and delight within me restored to that same intense level, and I finally began to believe what so many loss moms have told me this past year: Love doesn’t end.
My son, in his own indirect way, had surprised me. No matter what you believe about “after,” I was standing in this place because of him. So I found myself doing the very thing I thought I’d never get to do - shaking my head in disbelief as I realized This little person of mine is even more special than I realized.
I just hope he knows that.
i am so grateful to be able to read these incredibly articulate stories. especially in this time of heartened hearts, reading about Reed with every post brings softness and compassion to my heart. If a book is not already in the works, it should be considered! It is a rare gift to be shown how to approach a motherhood that looks so different from my own. Thank you for letting me share in it.